Monogamous, mostly monogamous or poly, that is the question

Yesterday a friend of mine invited me to a very special movie night here in Ibiza.

Sharing a lot with each other about our own experiences in different types of relationships he knew that I would love to see a documentary called “Monogamish”.

We sat in the warm summer night under the stars in one of those beautiful villas here on the island with a bunch of other people watching filmmaker Tao Ruspoli recovering from a heart-breaking divorce that takes him on a journey talking to his relatives, different experts and ordinary couples about love, sex and monogamy in our culture.

Monogamish is exactly what it sounds like – mostly monogamous, the arrangement between long-term partners, in which they're committed to each other but can have sex with others.

Most of my life I lived in monogamous relationships, the longest one was 6 years.

This type of relationship felt most natural to me, even if some voices say it is not.

As I began to step into the scene of Tantra and spending lots of time in different kinds of spiritual and conscious communities all over the world, the topic of open relationships and polyamory came into my life, of course.

I resisted them, I pushed them away and I judged them for a long time, knowing that I wouldn’t be able to avoid having my own experiences in this area.

Always be aware if you judge something hard.

At one point my heart was broken open, and my shadows of unhealthy romantic relationships, attachments and concepts were there, right in my face.

I did a 21-day Sadhana at that time using my Obsidian Yoni Egg, and the fiery Kali energy of the stone put me into a deep process of transformation to show me the truth clearly.

I asked myself: “Who are the people I truly want to have close in my life?”, and there he was.

I had already known him for a year.

I surrendered to what life wanted from me, I opened my heart to him and with baby steps found my way as a third person in a polyamorous marriage.

I took it very slow, moment by moment, with lots of conversations, especially between me and her.

I decided to let go of my idea of what I thought relationships are all about and opened to something completely unknown.

I opened to a connection where more than two hearts were involved.

I moved through layers of love I didn’t know existed before.

As well as fear, anger, jealousy (that’s a big one!), lots of processing time, logistics and time management, different needs and desires.

The beauty of this connection was that it was a safe container where everyone’s heart and feelings were included.

As I was having another intimate connection with a man during that time (which by the way only happened once) I even realised how amazing it actually is if there is more than one person that knows you so intimately and loves you so deeply and the other way around.

In some moments I even questioned if it would make more sense to raise children in this way. To have more people involved than only mother and father or being a single mom.

I am endlessly grateful for this opportunity of infinite love and growth with these two souls who showed up with so much integrity because I see lots of people going down the rabbit hole of polyamory who are actually only fucking around.

From my experience the path of polyamory feels more natural and easy for men than women.

I see many people getting hurt, especially women.

And it will hurt at some point for everyone involved.

I also believe it’s limited, sooner or later there is always someone who wants more.

Mainly the one who is the secondary partner or the woman, as there is a natural tendency for women to fall in love more easily.

A woman can’t fully open her Yoni to a man without opening her heart.

Relationships need to involve. We usually want to spend more time together, weekend trips, holidays, moving in together, getting married, having babies or creating projects together.

I lived in a very alive, expanding and healing polyamorous relationship for about one year.

It was challenging and beautiful, it felt strange and familiar, it was completely crazy and made a lot of sense.

After moving through the different phases of separation that are as painful as they are in a monogamous relationship and with enough time for integration and reflection, I believe we can’t fix a relationship that requests deep inner work and absolute honesty from both sides by inviting other people in.

And at the same time we can trust that whatever relationship type comes naturally our way is for our highest good.

Polyamory might be balancing at times, enlightening always and maybe also very juicy if more than 2 people share emotional and physical intimacy with each other.

Polyamory can be a fast track to spiritual awakening if all hearts are included and committed to love and growth.

But it’s not for everyone.

So stay true to what feels right in your heart.

This is the only thing you can trust.

I offer private sessions and 1 : 1 retreats for couples that want to deepen their connection and intimacy with each other.

Please get in touch. I would love to meet you.