Men keep asking me how to rediscover sexual passion in their beloved wife.
Even though I mainly work with women, I hear your calling. Your vulnerable shares and deep yearning for connection are close to my heart.
So this one is for you men. And ladies, I’m sure you will benefit from reading as well. Though this is written for heterosexual partnerships, it will work equally well for same-sex couples.
First of all, the time of falling in love usually ends after two to three years. That means couples get to a point where the relationship is not only happening by mystery itself anymore. The natural erotic pull, seductive play and surprising moments you experienced with each other at the beginning tend to get less with time.
It takes some work and effort. That may sound serious, but if two lovers are committed to love and growth with each other, it creates on a longer term an even deeper bonding between them.
What I often observe in intimate partnerships is that women tend to lose their sexual desire and withdraw love. That often happens when they are stressed, feeling a goal-orientated agenda or don’t feel met on an emotional and sexual level.
I know many women who prefer to read a book instead of making love with their partner.
As result, a man will get the feeling of being rejected. He may think: “My wife does not even notice me anymore.”
When men don’t feel loved and received in their desire for intimacy they very likely begin to look for love and fulfilment on the outside. They may get interested in other women, watching porn, hanging out in bars, overdoing work or workouts.
Even if they try to be a “good” husband, they will feel miserable and frustrated.
So how can you rediscover sexual passion in your wife and maintain love in a long-term relationship?
Be a vulnerable warrior and share your heart from an authentic and loving place. Tell her bravely that you are not happy and satisfied with the intimate dynamic in your partnership, and that you would love to change something.
Your partner doesn’t have to feel the same way. She just needs to be open to receive you in your raw truth, and commit to be curious to explore something new together. You probably will discover that she might not be delighted with the situation either.
1 Create quality time
This may not sound very romantic, but we need to wake up. Relationships are not a fairy tale. Generally speaking, and especially when children are involved, we need to have a good time management.
Set a fixed date night, or morning, at least once a week. This is the minimum time we need in a partnership to stay connected.
Make sure the kids are cared for and switch off your phone. Commit to three hours, just for the both of you.
I know this sounds long or even scary for some of you who haven’t discovered tantric love making, but give it a try. And keep reading!
2 Giving and Receiving
A nice way of creating your weekly love connections is that one partner will receive and the other one will give. This is just an option, but actually a beautiful place to begin this journey.
Invite your beloved to receive first. You may explore that it is not easy for her to ask for what she really wants and how delicate it is to fully allow her to receive.
Be gentle, playful and support each other. You will change rolls the next week.
Ask her to express what it is that she needs in that moment. At this point both of you have to expand your consciousness of what conventional sex, meaning penetration and orgasm, and love making with each other really mean.
Making love is so much more. It can be anything and has no goal at all: A wholehearted conversation, romantic dinner, walk in nature, spa together, massaging each other, cuddles, sensual play, soft lovemaking, wild sex or some combination… What ever it is, encourage her to ask for it.
3 Lets talk frankly: Fears, needs, desires
Before a woman can fully open physically she needs to be met on an emotional level. There is a very intimate network between her heart and her vagina.
So the best way to start your love connection is to have a conversation. Sounds boring? Let yourself be surprised.
Set a specific time, 10 minutes for each of you works quite well at the beginning. One shares and the other simply listens. Invite your beloved to share first. Then you can switch roles.
As the listener you are simply holding the space. Allow yourself to be fully present. Listen deeply from your heart and hear with your whole body as you breathe and hold eye contact.
Presence is one of the most profound and sexiest masculine qualities, and can be developed with practice.
Don’t try to change or fix something, nor take anything personally. Don’t comment, react or try to figure out what is going on. A woman usually just wants to be witnessed in her expression.
Encourage your beloved to drop her masks and to be absolutely honest and vulnerable.
Let both of your sharing’s arise from a heart-centered space. How do you feel and what is moving for you in this moment? What are your deepest fears, needs and desires?
Share from a place where you take responsibility for your own experience. Don’t blame your partner!
You can begin with: “ My fear is…”, “What I really want is…”, “My needs are…” and “When you do/did this , it makes me feel like…” Thank each other at the end.
4 Eye gazing
When did you last look into each other’s eyes. Three years ago, 20 years ago, never? There are many ways to be intimate your partner without talking and having sex in a conventional way.
Eye gazing is one of the most powerful tantric practices. Take five minutes and sit opposite each other. Allow yourself to simply see the person you are sharing your life with.
There is no need to smile or do anything. Just see each other with an open heart and mind. As you are looking deeper into your beloved, you may see the biggest mystery of the universe in each other.
You can close this ritual by putting your left hand on your partner’s heart and remember why you chose each other.
5 Synchronize breathing
Another form of non-verbal communication is breath. Breathing in the same rhythm with your beloved is a beautiful way to expand your energy and sensation, and open towards one another before or during love making.
Breathe long slow deep breaths with an open mouth and relaxed jaw while looking into each other’s eyes. This technique has amazing effects in deepening your intimacy. It builds trust and creates harmony between lovers.
6 Set up your love temple
If she asks for sexual intimacy, creating a sensual space is essential. Make sure the room is clean and warm enough.
Surround yourself with soothing music, candles or soft lightening, beautiful flowers, oils and incense. Here it gets a bit romantic!
Prepare yourself by taking a shower. Wear something that is comfortable and makes you feel delicious.
Invite her into your love temple and ask her how you can serve her. One thing that definitely will turn her on is if you say: “Can you please surrender and allow yourself to receive.”
Becoming a more “tantric lover” means being attentive to what a woman needs at any given moment. Forget what worked yesterday and become far more interested in her state of mind and whole body right now.
A breath in her ear, different kind of touch on her skin, kissing, sensitive stimulation of her breasts, her vagina - what ever really makes her happy! Explore her being and give her pleasure without any goal or agenda.
In order to live in a happy and fulfilled intimate relationship, both partners need to participate with the entire force of their being, including their entire presence and willingness to show up in lovemaking. Love is like glue for a couple.
And love is the only way that leads us to the desired oneness we are all longing for.